hello-SMITHERS-you're-quite-GOOD-at-TURNING-me-ON ([info]mykwud) wrote,
@ 2005-05-12 11:32:00
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the Toronto Islands -- as seen above in the smash hit film Police Academy 3 -- are an archipelago off Toronto's southern shore, originally conceived as a leper colony in 1842 by William "The Lion" McKenzie and now primarily used as parkland for assorted public events all summer long. Heading over there BEFORE the season has started, however, yields a different experience entirely... one of a dark and mysterious place untouched by man and bereft of logical answers to the puzzles it raises.

It was just last August when the "Special Camp" on the islands held their traditional end-of-summer concert series on Olympic Island, for which I took the ferry over with a bunch of friends to watch groups of mentally-retarded children onstage banging on things for hour after hour. Oh, how they banged!!





But now, that same island is more empty and barren than the lunch-table at an ethiopian U.N.-relief camp.







Who knows where this mystery-train may take us? Drugachusetts, perhaps? Or maybe the magical land that only exists inside Mr. Rogers' head? Only its ghostly, invisible, intangible, mute driver seemed to know.





This giant hedge-maze proved the day's biggest mindbuster, with only the assorted small-child skeletons littered-about offering any chance of guidance towards exit and salvation.









Further proof that the island in off-peak months is inhabited by a race of giants (Or, that I'm actually really, really small.) One can only sit and ponder what these gargantuan freaks must do during the summer as tourists and campers tramp all over their homeland. Presumably, they have summer jobs somewhere at a really, really big Pottery Barn store.

















And here, the mystery behind the island's giant inhabitants is revealed at last; the sign behind me alluding to "QUADRA-CYCLES" can only mean that the island is lorded over by some sort of Dr. Moreau of outdoor-recreation... who, along with his continuing genetics research, has successfully used mad-science to merge multiple bicycles into four-wheeled beasts of terror.




Lunch!!!















Ironically, this was the same repeated phrase that got me thrown off the set of Jaws back in 1979. It wasn't a dis at Spielberg and his fine film, though; i was just LITERALLY trying to tell people about the time I caught Jaws and Freddie Mercury in a bathroom stall together backstage after the Brit Awards that summer.
Then, Jaws 4: The Revenge eventually came out. And THAT movie sucked dick. :(












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[info]dailyplanet
2005-05-12 03:36 pm UTC (link)
Mike, it's all psychological. You yell barracuda, everybody says, "Huh? What?"

You yell "shark", we've got a panic on our hands on the Fourth of July!!!

I'm only trying to say that Toronto Island is a summer town. We need summer dollars!!!!

Now, if the people can't swim there, they'll be glad to swim at the beaches of Cape Cod, the Hamptons, Long Island...

THINK OF THE TOWN before you make your crazy claims!

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[info]mykwud
2005-05-12 03:45 pm UTC (link)
"Welcome to Toronto Islands. Would you like to exchange your regular dollars for SUMMER FUN BUX?"
"What's the difference?"
"It's like regular money, but it's... fun."
"I'll take $1200 worth!"

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[info]tylerpistol
2005-05-12 03:42 pm UTC (link)
Wow, I've seen a lot of Arcade Fire pictures on the internet, but I've never seen Richie and Win look so amazing Shaggs-esque before. It's bizarre.

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[info]derspatchel
2005-05-12 04:04 pm UTC (link)
...with Bob from Accounting on drums!

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[info]mykwud
2005-05-12 04:30 pm UTC (link)

You're both wrong. It's clearly Keith of "The Office" fame.



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[info]tylerpistol
2005-05-12 05:15 pm UTC (link)
Must've been a one-off gig before that delightful Jeremy Gara took over (who sort of reminds me of that mannequin dude from Today's Special). I would suspect it was Howard, their old (and by old, I mean both former and agewise) drummer, but this Keith theory is far more interesting.

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[info]me_langel
2005-05-12 03:52 pm UTC (link)
oh - so prudy!!

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i_go_gaga
2005-05-12 04:08 pm UTC (link)
i am quite sure that the place where you took your 'mystery-train' photo is the location of a scene where 'the jerk' was filmed... is this possible?

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[info]mykwud
2005-05-12 04:17 pm UTC (link)
Could be! They film alot there.
Man, I haven't seen that movie since public school. Definitely grabbing the new Anniversary Edition dvd coming out this summer, and hopefully it's as funny now as it was back then :)

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[info]_mathlete
2005-05-12 04:12 pm UTC (link)
Only its ghostly, invisible, intangible, mute driver seemed to know.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

too funny.

i didn't know these islands existed.

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[info]freederry
2005-05-12 04:25 pm UTC (link)
this is a totally different perspective than the one my mom gave me when she visited Toronto last summer.No need to say which one was more interesting :D

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[info]anomalie
2005-05-12 04:48 pm UTC (link)
Hedge maaaaaze!

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[info]purplejammies
2005-05-12 05:06 pm UTC (link)
wow, these pictures are beautiful. Definitely not how I remembered the islands when I went there as a kid. That means I have to go again!

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[info]dinnerbell
2005-05-12 05:13 pm UTC (link)
I've been Steve Guttenberg'd!

I think your mystery inhabitants of the island are right in front of your eyes: it's the remaining creatures from George Orwell's Animal Farm, especially those sneering, cocaine-white geese.

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[info]offxthexcuff
2005-05-12 05:16 pm UTC (link)
You've pretty much disappeared off the LJ-planet.

Awesome awesome pictures!

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[info]mambolica
2005-05-12 07:00 pm UTC (link)
Holy crap... the hedge maze actually grew !

That thing was so pathetic for years. Neat. I must return.

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[info]rogue_explorer
2005-05-12 07:03 pm UTC (link)
Oh-so-brilliant, especially the "Lunch!!!!" photograph. And I think I have seen the really, really huge Pottery Barn store. I passed it when I was driving across Pennsylvania in December. (Or at least one of those outlet stores selling outdoor-decorative kitsch.) It hadn't occurred to me that the giants worked there--but NOW it all makes sense.

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[info]myrch
2005-05-12 07:43 pm UTC (link)
I hear the Dave Matthews Band got its start on the Toronto Islands.

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[info]mykwud
2005-05-12 07:58 pm UTC (link)
... as geese.
(It's a tough summer job, but SOMEone's gotta do it.)

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[info]tacologic
2005-05-12 07:44 pm UTC (link)
Cool. The giant chair and you are dying to become an LJ icon.

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[info]ipsenaut
2005-05-12 07:55 pm UTC (link)
Great photos. I especially like the phrase "some sort of Dr. Moreau of outdoor-recreation".

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there's really no way to avoid whining
[info]blur02
2005-05-12 08:46 pm UTC (link)
i
miss
toronto


and WOW, it would have been great to see such a "special" band

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[info]mikeez
2005-05-12 08:48 pm UTC (link)
Looks like quite the outing.

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[info]angelfoodcake
2005-05-12 08:51 pm UTC (link)
Ah, how I have some fond childhood memories of the Toronto Islands! Well... actually not so much childhood because the first time I ever went was when I was 12. But still.

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why do you look like Harry Pottter?
[info]angiewarhol
2005-05-12 10:14 pm UTC (link)
oh i get it now... you called and then posted this entry the next day so as to get that "angie-must-move-to-toronto" bug up my ass again, huh?

cos really, looking at those pictures and all the beautiful greenery makes me want to haul my cookies to canadia.....

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[info]my_papertrail
2005-05-12 10:19 pm UTC (link)
"Who knows where this mystery-train may take us? Drugachusetts, perhaps?"

Thank you, you have just made my day.

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[info]stevereno
2005-05-12 10:30 pm UTC (link)
I love the islands. Centreville is tres awes. and lame.

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[info]being4mybenefit
2005-05-12 11:23 pm UTC (link)
i'm still laughing about the jaws thing. and that's the worst drawing of a shark ever. PLUS, that reminds me of a dane cook bit. someone writes "mike was here" on a stall, and someone else draws an arrow and writes "is a faggot." as if mike is going to come back and see it. is the guy who drew jaws really gonna come back and look, and then get all mad?

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[info]abyschan
2005-05-12 11:47 pm UTC (link)
I.... want to go to Toronto now. It looks beautiful. And that one picture of the beach and driftwood.... very awesome. Awesome pictures overall. :D

Wow. You are totally getting tourism revenue.

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[info]bassringer
2005-05-13 01:12 am UTC (link)
I think that those giants shop at the "Unpainted Furniture Store" on Yonge near Finch, where there's a rocking chair EVEN BIGGER than that Muskoka chair. The rocking chair, oddly enough, is painted. I hope someone got fired for that blunder.

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ardenstreet
2005-05-13 01:43 am UTC (link)
oh, your photos are always so cute, mw! who's the girl? she looks very familiar. very, very familiar.

hot dog.

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beetlebomb
2005-05-13 02:06 am UTC (link)
I love the Toronto Islands! Especially Centreville! I grew up riding their gorgeous classic Dentzel menagerie carousel!! :)

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i declare this pizza to be awesome!
[info]molten
2005-05-15 01:12 pm UTC (link)
oh the island. such good memories! being 14 and sitting on that big chair all upside-down like and singing weezer songs at the top of our lungs. oh oh and sitting in that train after dark, dialing numbers that spelled out "boobies" and such, while eatting soggy peanut butter sangwidges and giggling.... mykwud have you ever been to centreville when it is nighttime and the summer? the farm animals go a little crazy. once, this donkey thing began headbutting the fence and making like it would jump over and attack us once we ran out of carrots.
have you ever been to hanlan's point on canada day night? it is prutty amazing.

mykwud you have inspired me to go to the island again this week!

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Re: i declare this pizza to be awesome!
[info]mykwud
2005-05-15 06:12 pm UTC (link)
Same!! But when i was 14, it was all "Grandma take me home" pre-weez.
That damned Grandma never took us home. :~(
I wanna head out there one night, purposely miss the last ferry, and sleep around some campfire with (drunk, stupid) friends. Hopefully not drunk/stupid enough to turn the petting zoo into a heavy-petting zoo, though.

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Re: i declare this pizza to be awesome!
[info]molten
2005-05-16 04:04 pm UTC (link)
we used to make little bonfires on the beach beyond the hedge maze... once the island cops drove up to us in their little go kart and eyed the sticks in our arms and the sticks in a pire on the ground and asked if we were about to start a fire. we said no. they said, good, because that's illegal here, you know. and we said yes. then they drove away and we built one anyway. REBELZ.

honestly though, what's a little groping between friends? (funny you should reference nofx! once i wrote a nofx quote on one of those green panels throughout the maze that people are constantly graffiti-ing up... i was young and impulsive, what can i say)

okay too many island stories. it's your fault, you got me started.

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